The roles of Parent, Adult & Child in relationships
We all have relationship habits or stances that we use when we interact with each other. As you grow as a leader, you will need to become aware of your own stances and those of your team if you are going to challenge, change and develop them.
The PAC model, developed by Thomas A Harris in his book, “I’m OK, You’re OK”, reveals how we have a tendency to fall into the roles of Parent, Child and Adult when we relate to specific people in our lives. For example, a member of your team may take on Child behaviour in relation to you, but Parent behaviour in relation to a colleague and Adult behaviour in relation to his or her own children.
You need to understand the relationship paradigms so you can work on altering them.
Below is a description of each of the behavioural patterns so you can identify the behaviour pattern before seeking to change it. The ultimate goal is for your whole team to have adult to adult conversations so that everyone is empowered and engaged and, therefore, able to work together in harmony.
Parent
The parent predominantly tells someone what to do, but they can also be the rescuer in a situation. The problem with this is that it stops the person being rescued from learning and doing something different next time. Thomas Harris describes the mental state defined as “Parent” as a collection of “tape recordings” that are stored then replayed in response to external influences. These recordings are based on what a child has observed adults around them doing and saying. The recording is a long list of rules and admonitions about the way the world is and how the child is expected to behave. Many of the rules are useful and valid throughout life; others are simply opinions that may be less helpful. Parent is a state in which people behave, feel and think in response to an unconscious mimicking of how their parents or other parental figures acted or how they interpreted their parent’s actions. For example, a person may shout at someone else out of frustration because they learned this behaviour as a way of relating to others from an influential figure in their childhood.
Child
The Child state is one in which people behave, feel and think in a way that is similar to when they were children. The Child predominantly behaves like the victim and will live in a blame culture. They are likely to say, “It always happens to me”, “It’s not fair”, and will sometimes cry as a form of release. Just as the parent’s voice is a collection of recordings, so is child’s. It retells the internal events of how life felt when the person was a child. Harris suggests that when, as adults, we feel discouraged, it is as if we are re-living our child experiences even though the stimulus of the parent may no longer be relevant or helpful in our lives. For example, a person who receives a poor evaluation at work may respond by looking at the floor, crying or pouting as if they are being scolded like a child. Conversely, a person who receives a good evaluation may respond with a broad smile and a joyful gesture of thanks. The “Child” is the source of emotions, creativity, recreation, spontaneity and intimacy.
Adult
The Adult has those difficult, challenging, open and honest conversations, which can at times mean they are the persecutor whereby the person on the receiving end doesn’t like what they hear and has to make a choice about how to respond to the information being conveyed. An Adult’s intention will always be good, and as a result, it can have a positive impact. However, it can also have a negative impact if it is not well-received. This happens when the receiver is in Victim or Child mode, in which instance the Adult will be perceived as a persecutor.
According to Harris, children start to develop the third mental state of Adult at about the same time as they learn to walk and begin to achieve some measure of control over their environment. Instead of learning ideas directly from parents or experiencing simple emotions as the Child, children begin to explore the world and form their own opinions. They test the assertions of the Parent and Child and either update them or learn to suppress them thus the Adult inside of us all develops over time but is very fragile and can be readily overwhelmed by stressful situations.
Adult is a state of the ego, which is most like an artificially intelligent system processing information and making predictions about major emotions that could affect its operation. Learning to strengthen the Adult is a goal. While a person is in the Adult ego state, he or she is directed towards an objective appraisal of reality.
Along with the Karpman Drama Triangle, the PAC Model allows leaders to make a member of staff aware of their behaviour. The Triangle is useful because it is a visual tool that can be understood quickly and easily.